I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
plant them where lol
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.