doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.