ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
do u think theres a butter planet?
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.