*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
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i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky