How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
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I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.