let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.