Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo