I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?