When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
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I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
barbara was highly relatable
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
This is painfully accurate 😅
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*