Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.