two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.