GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
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I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
WTF
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.