ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
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My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Just this preview of the story is enough
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll