Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.