100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
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I’m not alone. I have ants.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.