Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
OH. COME. ON.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”