CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
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*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
lol
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook