coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid