I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
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I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Never forget.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Tell me you get it…🤣
A game married people play.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her