*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
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When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.