I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
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Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.