I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
When you kidnap a writer.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean