I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Unexpected Judgment
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Mad Max Arctic Road
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.