You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
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*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.