I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
This guy gets it.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.