[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
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my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I feel seen.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
philosophical skeletons be like
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.