“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.