Funny because it’s true. 🤣
You Might Also Like
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”