I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
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me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*