Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
bury ourselves
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care