The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
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Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know鈥he meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
There鈥檚 always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub鈥y the way, what are you doing tonight?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
When I die, don鈥檛 burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m鈥檒ady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?馃馃ぃ
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I鈥檝e never given your dog a massage.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
INTERVIEWER: What鈥檚 your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he鈥檚 in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!