I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
how to exercise your calf muscles
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Aight bet
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
want me to check your oil?
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.