ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
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“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*