I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
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*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..