“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
do what now??
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?