[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
congratulations to them
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*