“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
there has never been a better use of this meme
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.