Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
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I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan