As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
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Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
my favorite genre of twitter
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet