Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club