Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
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Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’