just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
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*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
my first day as a raccoon