My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
They got Raph!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
new career option?
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open