You Might Also Like
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.