If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
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Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
mariah carrie
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying