me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
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When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
good morning
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.