“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
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The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”