When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.