Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Incredible customer service.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls