Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me irl
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves